Why I Hate Driving in Detroit!!!

Driving Tips for our 2006 Superbowl Guests:
1. First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It's Di-troit, NOT DEE-troit. If you pronounce it DEE-Troit then we will assume you are from Toledo and here for the country Music hoe-down.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Detroit has its own version of traffic rules... Hold on and pray!

3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00am to 10:00am. The evening rush hour is from 3:00pm to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. Weekends are open game.

4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. If you're first off the starting line when the light turns green, count to five before going. This will avoid getting in the way of cross-traffic who just ran their yellow light to keep from getting shot.

5. Schoenherr can ONLY be properly pronounced by a native of the Detroit metro area. That goes for Gratiot too.

6. Construction and renovation on I-94, I-96, I-75, I-275, I-375, The Lodge and The Southfield Freeways are a way of life. Just deal with it.

7. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect or they are "out-of-towners."

8. All old men with white hair wearing a hat have total right-of-way.

9. The minimum acceptable speed on I-696 is 85 regardless of the posted speeds. Anything less is considered downright SISSY. Oh, and don't even think of allowing more than one car length between cars!

10. That attractive wrought iron on the windows and doors in Detroit is NOT ornamental. DO NOT get out of your car.

11. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that reads "Keep honking, I'm reloading."

12. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving 'because they are so friendly in Detroit'. I would suggest you duck.

13. I-275/I-696 is our daily version of NASCAR.

14. It's not M-10, it's "the Lodge".

15. That's not a lake, it's a pothole.

16. If someone tells you it's on Outer Drive, you better hope you have a map.

17. The left turn is simple: If you want to turn left, go a 1/4 of a mile past your turn, get to the left, then make a left, then make a right. NOW you have gone left.

ENJOY YOUR STAY, BUT AVOID EYE-CONTACT WITH THE LOCALS

Why I Hate Sweet and Sour Sauce!!!

So I'm sitting at my desk looking at what was left of a to go cup of sweet and sour sauce that accompanied my egg role. It got me thinking about Ben's addiction to ranch dressing. In the course of two days I watched the man do three shots of pure ranch dressing... I'm thinking about this and looking at my sweet and sour sauce... and thinking... maybe it just tastes good? So, I look around... don't see anyone watching... and gulped it down like Ben and a bottle of hidden valley! It didn't taste good. I've been burping up chinese for two hours. Ben... get help man... you need serious help. To the rest of you, I suggest sticking to tequilia...

Why I Hate My Right Foot!!!

You gotta try this.

A little test to do at your desk.....How Smart Is Your Right Foot?TRY THIS NOW!This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keeptrying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot.But you can't!!!1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction!!!I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.Make sure you pass this on to your friends... They won't be able tobelieve it either!!!

Why I Hate Hurricanes!!!

Hurricanes suck! Especially Rita which has completly screwed up my entire week and which will most likely shut down my ISP, flood my warehouse, close down my call center and basically put my entire eCommerce capability under water for weeks.

I have to get all my inventory on racks, relocate CSRs to Austin, prepare for broken links on my site and participate on disaster recovery conference calls every four hours starting 8:00 AM Saturday Morning... Hello Rita!!! Don't you realize I have a wedding to go to on Saturday...

Seriously, hurricanes do suck and I thank god I live in Michigan where all we have to worry about is bitter freezing winters, rare tornados and canadians dumping their trash in our land fills. Everyone say a prayer for Galviston and all those who may be hit by Rita... especially the folks down in Huston that make www.shopdelphi.com work every day!

Why I Hate Being Best Man!!!

A good friend of mine sent me this after I asked her for some advice on my best man toast.

Dude, you need to bond with the wedding, and realize you're the best man, you're the one every chick is going to try and get with!!! Weddings are an aphrodisiac!!!! haha Think about it, free drinks, good food, and people dressed up nice. Already most women are in a good mood. Add on top of it that the wedding gives us hope that not all men are scum haha. For that one night everyone is in a good mood with their guard down and then you see the men in the tuxes and of course knees go weak since all men look great in tuxes. All of a sudden you notice one of the groomsmen and you find your prey for the evening. You smile at him, he smiles back and comes over to say hi. You talk and have a fun time since every man is charming at a wedding. Then you dance closely knowing a stranger would never get so close so fast but hey, it's a wedding and he's in a tux, who cares if I accidentally rub my breasts on him a little too much ;o) heehee, oops, I mean the hypothetical person not me of course, I would never ... heehee. You go outside for some fresh air, the moon and the stars are out and there are some flowers nearby and he picks one for you. You can't avoid it any longer, your hormones are on high alert due to the alcohol/wedding/tux combo so when he leans in for a kiss you gladly return the kiss and know that somewhere there are fireworks going off since for this one night all men are wonderful and this is the perfect kiss. You go back inside for more merriment and see how great he is around the other wedding guests and you think, I am going to mount this man ... oops, I mean you think, this man is perfect. Then the end of the night comes and ... well, you're in a tux so you can imagine where the night leads...

Whew, after thinking about the wedding I need a cold shower haha.

Why I Hate Find The Man!!!

Find the man between the coffee beans. Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in 3 seconds that your Right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and one minute, then your right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between one minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and You need to eat more protein. If you have not found the man after 3 minutes your right half of your brain is a mess, and the only advice is to look more for these types of exercises to make that part of the brain stronger.
The man really is there.

Why I Hate Bachelor Parties!

The Good
The Bad
And the Ugly...

Story to be posted soon

Why I Hate Cell Phones

I scored tickets to the Green Day concert last Sunday at the Palace of Auburn Hills. If you ever get the chance to see Billie-Joe live, take it. That guy just rocks. They came out, punched you in the head and didn't stop punching for two straight hours. It was awesome... well... except for the fans. During one of the slower songs Green Day had all the lights turned off. The palace went dark. The mood was great. And then it happend. Every idiot in the croud with a cell phone starting holding them up and waving them in the air. What happend to the days when holding up your Zippo and letting that flame glow was cool. When the hell did Cell Phones replace Lighters? Is it because nobody smokes anymore. Is it because those damn lighters get real fricken hot holding them up for an entire song? Did Smoky The Bear complain? Is "The Man" behind this so he can sell more cell phones? I don't know. All I'm saying is "big freaking right on" to those few "old school" fans who brought out the flames and lit up the sky. And I send out a special "big F-U" to those idiots with the "bling bling" phones with all the blinking lights... shine them up real nice, turn them sideways, shove them up your arse and grow the F up! Either start smoking (so you can cary a lighter) or simply enjoy the tunes. People, it's just not cool to waive your phone in the air... they are not a substitute for the real thing. Just stop it!

By the way, Green Day Rocks!!! You have to see them live if you get the chance. Them and Cowboy Mouth are the best live bands ever!

P.S. visit evatt's blog!!!