Thursday, June 07, 2007

Wedding Humor

THE WEDDING TESTI was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me,
it was her beautiful younger sister.My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, andGenerally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, And I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because sheNever did it when she was near anyone else.One day her "lit tle" sister called and asked me to come over to check theWedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me That she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. SheTold me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed myLife to her sister. Well, I was in tot al shock, and couldn't say a word.She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wildFling, just come up and get me."I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stoodThere for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the frontDoor. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, myEntire future family was standing outside, all clapping!With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better manFor our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Favorite Things on Our Registry




These are my favorite things on our gift registry.

Just in case you were wondering.

Otherwise, just give ridiculous amounts of cash.



Judo Chop

This thing SUCKS

Cuts like a Knife


Banana Hammock

86 Days to Go!!!!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Suns say Duncan left bench, too

Posted on CNN: Wednesday May 16, 2007 10:09AM ET
The Suns didn't lose Tuesday's decision without at least making their own case. The Suns made sure that NBA decision-makers were aware that the Spurs' Tim Duncan and Bruce Bowen left the bench in Game 4 of their Western Conference playoff series when teammate Francisco Elson dunked early in the third quarter and hung on the rim, only to have the Suns' James Jones inadvertently undercut him as he headed up court. Elson fell to the floor. According to the Suns, Duncan jumped off the bench and walked onto the court with Bowen following him to get him back on the bench.

Monday, May 07, 2007

A long time coming


You know, its been a while since I've just plain old bitched about stuff.

Well, look out, I got to get a few things off my mind.

First, lets start off with this bimbo who is all of a sudden suprised that sushi is good for you. I quote from her Yahoo article published this afternoon "Well, it turns out that our national indulgence in this tasty and visually enticing treat from Japan may also be good for our health. Like many other Japanese foods, sushi tends to be low in fat, cholesterol, and calories.
In addition, sushi that has seafood as an ingredient is often an excellent source of heart-healthy omega-3 fatty acids, which lower the risk of blood clots and decrease triglyceride levels." HOW CAN IT NOT BE GOOD FOR US YOU DUMB ASS. IT'S FISNH AND RICE LADY! FISH AND EFFING RICE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. WHY DID YOU JUST WASTE OUR VALUABLE INTERNET TIME ON THIS CRAP!!! WE KNEW THIS ALREADY!!! DUH!!!


Ah, I'm just getting warmed up.


Have you heard the latest commercials from our little deep fried finger licken friends (NOTE: DEEP FRIED CHICKEN IS BAD. BAD CHICKEN. MESS YOU UP. LISTEN TO OUR DUMB ASS FRIEND AND GO EAT SUSHI INSTEAD) Anyway, KFC ran an add during the Kentucky derby stating that in CHINA KFC is more popular than McDonald's. That in CHINA, people prefer KFC to McDonald's like 3 to 1. And that in CHINA, KFC is so delicious millions of CHINAMEN are flocking to KFC. Um... on a small positive note, it is nice to see an American Based company fattening up the millions of communist Chinese who can't wait to take over the world with greasy cholesterol while making a nice little profit for yourself. Your turn GM & Ford. That said KFC, is that the best ad you can come up with... that because CHINA loves KFC more than McDonald's the rest of us should? SHAME ON YOU AND YOUR LAZY MARKETING. Advertise how delicious your chicken is. Talk about how yummy those potatoes are. Tell me more about that oh so finger licking good extra crispy secret recipe. DON'T TELL ME TO EAT KFC BECAUSE CHINA IS DOING IT! SHAME SHAME SHAME (note: I said COMMUNIST CHINESE not all people from china are bad I have friends from there and I love them.)
FINALLY! I'm forced to eat freaking cereal for desert because Ice Cream IS NOT ON MY WEDDING DIET!!!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Where to Honeymoon?

Where should I go on my honeymoon?

An ultra all inclusive Caribbean resort like the Sandals White House ?


Or, a pay as you go breath taking Hawaiian get away?





Or some place real fancy like our very own Frankenmuth?




Seriously, I can't decide... well, lets just say Frankenmuth is out.
HELP!!! I can't make up my mind.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Save a BEE use a Land Line





Are mobile phones wiping out our bees?


Scientists claim radiation from handsets are to blame for mysterious 'colony collapse' of bees
By Geoffrey Lean and Harriet Shawcross
Published: 15 April 2007
It seems like the plot of a particularly far-fetched horror film. But some scientists suggest that our love of the mobile phone could cause massive food shortages, as the world's harvests fail.

They are putting forward the theory that radiation given off by mobile phones and other hi-tech gadgets is a possible answer to one of the more bizarre mysteries ever to happen in the natural world - the abrupt disappearance of the bees that pollinate crops. Late last week, some bee-keepers claimed that the phenomenon - which started in the US, then spread to continental Europe - was beginning to hit Britain as well.

The theory is that radiation from mobile phones interferes with bees' navigation systems, preventing the famously homeloving species from finding their way back to their hives. Improbable as it may seem, there is now evidence to back this up.

Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD) occurs when a hive's inhabitants suddenly disappear, leaving only queens, eggs and a few immature workers, like so many apian Mary Celestes. The vanished bees are never found, but thought to die singly far from home. The parasites, wildlife and other bees that normally raid the honey and pollen left behind when a colony dies, refuse to go anywhere near the abandoned hives.

The alarm was first sounded last autumn, but has now hit half of all American states. The West Coast is thought to have lost 60 per cent of its commercial bee population, with 70 per cent missing on the East Coast.

CCD has since spread to Germany, Switzerland, Spain, Portugal, Italy and Greece. And last week John Chapple, one of London's biggest bee-keepers, announced that 23 of his 40 hives have been abruptly abandoned.

Other apiarists have recorded losses in Scotland, Wales and north-west England, but the Department of the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs insisted: "There is absolutely no evidence of CCD in the UK."

The implications of the spread are alarming. Most of the world's crops depend on pollination by bees. Albert Einstein once said that if the bees disappeared, "man would have only four years of life left".

No one knows why it is happening. Theories involving mites, pesticides, global warming and GM crops have been proposed, but all have drawbacks.

German research has long shown that bees' behaviour changes near power lines.

Now a limited study at Landau University has found that bees refuse to return to their hives when mobile phones are placed nearby. Dr Jochen Kuhn, who carried it out, said this could provide a "hint" to a possible cause.

Dr George Carlo, who headed a massive study by the US government and mobile phone industry of hazards from mobiles in the Nineties, said: "I am convinced the possibility is real."

The case against handsets

Evidence of dangers to people from mobile phones is increasing. But proof is still lacking, largely because many of the biggest perils, such as cancer, take decades to show up.

Most research on cancer has so far proved inconclusive. But an official Finnish study found that people who used the phones for more than 10 years were 40 per cent more likely to get a brain tumour on the same side as they held the handset.

Equally alarming, blue-chip Swedish research revealed that radiation from mobile phones killed off brain cells, suggesting that today's teenagers could go senile in the prime of their lives.

Studies in India and the US have raised the possibility that men who use mobile phones heavily have reduced sperm counts. And, more prosaically, doctors have identified the condition of "text thumb", a form of RSI from constant texting.

Professor Sir William Stewart, who has headed two official inquiries, warned that children under eight should not use mobiles and made a series of safety recommendations, largely ignored by ministers.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

So Permanent



'Beanie': Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations to ya then.

You get one vigina for the rest of your life. Real smart Frankie. Way to work it through.

Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together to join Franklin and Marissa...

Beanie: [coughing] Don't do it. My throat's dry, I'm sorry.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Is Baltar a Red Wing

Hank Zetterberg <<<< Cylon>>>>Gaius Baltar











MMMM CYLON



Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Looking for Fun St. Patty's Day Stuff


Hey, if you are looking for some fun St. Patrick's Day Regalia or just for some beads to throw at an overly friendly Irish Hottie, check out this site.

COOL IRISH STUFF!!!


Monday, February 19, 2007

Friday, February 16, 2007

Marriage, my final frontier

Marriage, my final frontier.

These are the voyages of the starship Van Enterprise.

Our seven month mission: To explore strange new gift registries and bakeries and florists and halls and DJs and Limos and churches and photographers and golf courses and tuxedos and my favorite - bachelor party plans...

To seek out new life experiences and to eventually create new babies.

To boldly go on a bachelor party where no man has gone before!!!

Welcome to the official Joe Van Wedding Party!

The Crew!

Me (Captain Kirk)
Roberts (Number One)
Pata (Data with a sense of humor)
Scott (Bones)
McCall (Giordi)
Mark (Scotty  for obvious reasons)
Kyle (Warf)
John (Wesley Crusher)
Chris (Landing Party Extra Red Shirt Guy/Usher)
My Dad (Picard - Captain of the Enterprise D and E)
Kristi's Dad (Sarek  Spocks Dad)

I need a second landing party guy still

Anyway, welcome to the wedding. So proud to have you all stand up with me! Thank you very much and let the bachelor party planning begin!

ARE YOU WITH ME!?!?!

Monday, February 12, 2007

Hey Chixie Dicks!






JUST GO AWAY ALREADY!!!
ESPECIALLY THE LITTLE RUNTY ONE!



FIVE GRAMMYS! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!



ARE WE IN A MUSIC BLACK HOLE OR WHAT?

ARE THERE NO BETTER ARTIST OUT THERE THAN YOU?



WILL THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL PLEASE STAND UP AND SAVE US?



Friday, February 09, 2007

Buy American

Shhh Don't tell anyone, Honda recalls vehicals tooo

Honda recalls over 45,000 Civic Hybrids
TOKYO -- Honda Motor Co . plans to recall 45,335 Civic Hybrid sedans worldwide to repair a voltage converter defect that could stop the car's engine, spokeswoman said Friday. Japan's No. 2 automaker plans to recall 7,219 of the vehicles sold in Japan and another 38,116 sold overseas, mostly in the U.S., a Honda spokeswoman said. She spoke on condition of anonymity.


CAN YOU SAY DENIAL?

Auto business briefs
Toyota chief: Recalls woke company up
CHICAGO -- Jim Press, president of Toyota Motor North America, doesn't feel other automakers are closing in on the Japanese company in terms of quality. Speaking at the Chicago Auto Show, Press acknowledged Toyota faltered in 2005 with a high number of recalls, but said the drop last year is evidence that Toyota addressed the problem. "It woke us up and scared us to the point of re-energizing our efforts on quality," he said.



Jeff Meckstroth's dispute with Toyota Motor Corp. might have ended quietly on March 1, 2001, when an arbitration panel unanimously agreed that Toyota was liable for the damage to the engine of his 2-year-old $37,000 Lexus RX300 sport utility vehicle.
Instead, it escalated. As the two Toyota representatives packed up their papers, they referred casually to other, similar cases they were handling. "Then we had our suspicions up that this isn't an unusual case, that Lexus knows about the problem, and has formed a response -- just deny, deny, deny," said Meckstroth, a 47-year-old New Orleans stockbroker. "We decided to sue."
His case mushroomed into a class-action suit representing prior and current owners of nearly 4 million Toyota and Lexus vehicles that may have suffered engine damage due to thickening oil, or sludge. It can accumulate and deprive the engine of necessary lubrication.
Toyota agreed last fall to settle the case but maintains that its engines were not defective. It said the settlement terms mirror a program to reimburse customers for sludge-related engine damage or repairs that it put in place in 2002. A Louisiana state court is expected to approve the settlement this week after a hearing today.
With engine replacements costing as much as $10,000, the final tab could run into the billions. But the damage to Toyota's reputation might be even more costly for the Japanese automaker.
Toyota is not the only automaker that has received complaints from consumers whose engines are damaged by sludge -- and the source of the problem and who bears responsibility are disputed issues.
But the high-profile case is the latest in a series of recalls and other signs suggesting that the Japanese automaker's quality controls aren't foolproof.
"It would be accurate to say that there have been enough issues with Toyota in the past couple of years that they don't have the spotless image they had a couple of years ago," said Karl Brauer, editor in chief of Edmunds.com, an automotive research Web site.
But he adds that problems at Toyota attract a disproportionate amount of attention because of the automaker's sterling reputation for quality. "Most companies wouldn't get noticed for these problems."
Further complicating matters, sludge issues aren't clear-cut. Excessive heat, sediment, poor oil condition or a combination of those factors may thicken the oil. In engines with very narrow passages, small amounts of sludge may get stuck, causing damage.
DaimlerChrysler AG's Chrysler Group and Volkswagen AG are among the automakers that have faced complaints about engine sludge in their vehicles.
"There are reasons to believe that the engine design could be contributing to it, but there are also reasons to think that lack of maintenance or proper customer care is contributing," Brauer said. "Everything I've read indicates something kind of in between."
Gary Gambel, an attorney at Murphy, Rogers, Sloss & Gambel in New Orleans, argued that Toyota's engines had a defect giving them a propensity to develop sludge.
But "the terms of the settlement and the settlement itself have no finding of defect in the product," Toyota spokesman Xavier Dominicis said. "They're not saying these engines are predisposed to sludge."
The settlement covers certain model years between 1997 and 2002 for the Toyota Camry, Solara, Avalon, Celica, and Lexus ES300 cars, and the RX300 and Highlander SUVs. The settlement amount "is tailored to what your damages are," Gambel said.
Toyota does not expect the rate at which customers are coming in for engine repairs in those vehicles or for compensation to change as a result of the settlement, Dominicis said.
Toyota remains among the quality leaders by any measure, but some question whether it can continue to grow rapidly and maintain top standards. Its sales targets suggest Toyota may overtake General Motors Corp. to become the world's No. 1 automaker this year.
In a recent interview, Yuki Funo, Toyota's highest-level U.S. Toyota executive, said he thought Toyota had "come through the worst period."
He noted that the company's U.S. recalls were lower last year than in 2005. "We are on the right track to get our arms around this issue, and I think we should see better signs in the future," Funo said.
Most experts say it takes years for brands to lose -- and restore -- their reputations.
"The sludge issue was a significant blow," said Art Spinella, president of CNW Marketing Research Inc. in Bandon, Ore. "Toyota's in the position that GM was in back in the 1970s. A lot of people were buying GM products in the '70s because they were GM products, but they had fractures at the edges. It took 15 years before GM started to suffer from that long-term negative word-of-mouth."
At Toyota, he said, "it's going to hurt them if they don't turn it around."

Monday, January 29, 2007

See, it's totally legit!


Please go to this website and sign their petition to make the Monday after the Superbowl a Holiday! I mean come on! Even if you don't like sports its still a day off work.

Petition to make life great again!!!

By providing the first national petition and online forum, our vision is to see our greatest game take its next step into American History

Make the Super Bowl
A National Holiday &
Get the Monday After Off

No more Super Bowl Monday at work hangover!!!


SuperBowlMonday.com is a grass-roots political campaign dedicated to making Super Bowl Sunday a new National Holiday, with observation on Monday following the big game.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Evatt to host SuperBowl Party!!!


SuperBowl Party Location Revealed

Chris Evatt will open his Man's Den to host the 2006 Season Ending SuperBowl.

Please let Chris know if you will be attending so he can plan accordingly.

Hey, and it will be a kid friendly party so bring the entire family

Note: Since it will be a kid friendly event, please wear appropirate articles of clothing that will not malfunction

Monday, January 22, 2007

Getting Hitched


Thank God It's Friday!!!

Save the Date

Friday, August 31, 2007

I'm getting married to the most amazing woman in the world!

Monday, January 08, 2007

Day Two... feels like we've been here a week

Everyone seems so worn down already this year. Definitly not as fun as the last two years. Today started out at 5 AM when I woke up way too bright and early. Cool thing about being on the left coast was watching the Patriots dismantle the Jets at ten AM while having breakfast and starbucks in bed.


Basically I stayed in bed till the game was over at 1, took a shower and went to the convention center at 2. We stayed there till 5 learning the new booth layout and about all the new products. Delphi really does make some cool stuff.


After that we went here for dinner
It's at the Mandalay Bay Casino... we walked through the Luxor and Excalibur since I've never seen those casinos before. The Luxor is cool as hell, the Elevators literally go up on an angle. Not straight up and down, till they meet at a point at the top of the Luxor pyramid.
Seriously worth checking out. After that I lost 30 bucks at roulette. That sucked cause the lady next to me and good friend was winning every time. Stupid gambling.
Time for bed. Hell week starts tomorrow. Four straight days working the show. YUCK. My feet hurt just thinking about it.

Sunday, January 07, 2007











Day one in Vegas was exhausting! First, on the flight in an attendant calmly asked "is there a doctor on board?". Apparently a lady had passed out on our plane and caused quite a stir. She was in luck though because there WAS a doctor on the plane. It turned out to be no big deal... two aspirin and call me in the morning type of thing... however, it was kind of cool to hear the attendant call out, "is there a doctor on board?". I thought that only happened in the movies. Anyway, after rushing from the airport to the Venetian... the group I was with wandered around the place for about twenty minutes before we finally found the room we were looking for. That place is huge! And when you are running late trying to find something a Casino is the last place you want to be lost in.

During the meeting I was able to connect to ESPN on my phone to check up on the game scores. So much for LJ running wild all over the Colts. Needless to say, I was pretty happy to be able to check on the game during the meeting


So, after the meetings we went to this very nice restaurant called N9nes. Everything was fantastic! The food was so good. Best part about it was the company picked up the entire meal. Drinks included. I had a Bombay Sapphire Gin martini, shaken not stirred that literally kicked my ass. Speaking of kicked asses, how do you think Romo feels today after botching a sure game winning field goal? Oh, on second thought, the best part was there were a couple plasma TVs in our private room at N9nes so I got to watch the second half of the Seattle Dallas game.

After gorging on exquisite food and drinks, we went up to the top of the Palms casino to a club called Ghost Bar. I swear it felt like I was in an Austin Powers movie. All the waitresses looked like “fem-bot nurses” (kinda like this)

dressed in teeny tiny white mini skirts, teeny tiny low… real low cut tops, thigh high nylons and white stripper boots. The place was lit with just black lights, so these chicks really stood out in the crowd.

Anyway, the view at the Ghost Bar was amazing. It looked like this except less crappy

I don’t recall what time I stumbled home, but I do think it sucks that I’m wide awake at 6 AM really wishing I could get back to sleep.

Oh, and the next football game is on at 10AM left coast time. Can you say breakfast in bed?

P.S. the only thing that could have made day one better is if Kristi would have been here. I miss her.