Thursday, June 07, 2007

Wedding Humor

THE WEDDING TESTI was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me,
it was her beautiful younger sister.My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, andGenerally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, And I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because sheNever did it when she was near anyone else.One day her "lit tle" sister called and asked me to come over to check theWedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me That she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. SheTold me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed myLife to her sister. Well, I was in tot al shock, and couldn't say a word.She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wildFling, just come up and get me."I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stoodThere for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the frontDoor. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, myEntire future family was standing outside, all clapping!With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better manFor our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Favorite Things on Our Registry

These are my favorite things on our gift registry.

Just in case you were wondering.

Otherwise, just give ridiculous amounts of cash.

Judo Chop

This thing SUCKS

Cuts like a Knife

Banana Hammock

86 Days to Go!!!!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Suns say Duncan left bench, too

Posted on CNN: Wednesday May 16, 2007 10:09AM ET
The Suns didn't lose Tuesday's decision without at least making their own case. The Suns made sure that NBA decision-makers were aware that the Spurs' Tim Duncan and Bruce Bowen left the bench in Game 4 of their Western Conference playoff series when teammate Francisco Elson dunked early in the third quarter and hung on the rim, only to have the Suns' James Jones inadvertently undercut him as he headed up court. Elson fell to the floor. According to the Suns, Duncan jumped off the bench and walked onto the court with Bowen following him to get him back on the bench.

Monday, May 07, 2007

A long time coming

You know, its been a while since I've just plain old bitched about stuff.

Well, look out, I got to get a few things off my mind.

First, lets start off with this bimbo who is all of a sudden suprised that sushi is good for you. I quote from her Yahoo article published this afternoon "Well, it turns out that our national indulgence in this tasty and visually enticing treat from Japan may also be good for our health. Like many other Japanese foods, sushi tends to be low in fat, cholesterol, and calories.
In addition, sushi that has seafood as an ingredient is often an excellent source of heart-healthy omega-3 fatty acids, which lower the risk of blood clots and decrease triglyceride levels." HOW CAN IT NOT BE GOOD FOR US YOU DUMB ASS. IT'S FISNH AND RICE LADY! FISH AND EFFING RICE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. WHY DID YOU JUST WASTE OUR VALUABLE INTERNET TIME ON THIS CRAP!!! WE KNEW THIS ALREADY!!! DUH!!!

Ah, I'm just getting warmed up.

Have you heard the latest commercials from our little deep fried finger licken friends (NOTE: DEEP FRIED CHICKEN IS BAD. BAD CHICKEN. MESS YOU UP. LISTEN TO OUR DUMB ASS FRIEND AND GO EAT SUSHI INSTEAD) Anyway, KFC ran an add during the Kentucky derby stating that in CHINA KFC is more popular than McDonald's. That in CHINA, people prefer KFC to McDonald's like 3 to 1. And that in CHINA, KFC is so delicious millions of CHINAMEN are flocking to KFC. Um... on a small positive note, it is nice to see an American Based company fattening up the millions of communist Chinese who can't wait to take over the world with greasy cholesterol while making a nice little profit for yourself. Your turn GM & Ford. That said KFC, is that the best ad you can come up with... that because CHINA loves KFC more than McDonald's the rest of us should? SHAME ON YOU AND YOUR LAZY MARKETING. Advertise how delicious your chicken is. Talk about how yummy those potatoes are. Tell me more about that oh so finger licking good extra crispy secret recipe. DON'T TELL ME TO EAT KFC BECAUSE CHINA IS DOING IT! SHAME SHAME SHAME (note: I said COMMUNIST CHINESE not all people from china are bad I have friends from there and I love them.)
FINALLY! I'm forced to eat freaking cereal for desert because Ice Cream IS NOT ON MY WEDDING DIET!!!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Where to Honeymoon?

Where should I go on my honeymoon?

An ultra all inclusive Caribbean resort like the Sandals White House ?

Or, a pay as you go breath taking Hawaiian get away?

Or some place real fancy like our very own Frankenmuth?

Seriously, I can't decide... well, lets just say Frankenmuth is out.
HELP!!! I can't make up my mind.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Save a BEE use a Land Line

Are mobile phones wiping out our bees?

Scientists claim radiation from handsets are to blame for mysterious 'colony collapse' of bees
By Geoffrey Lean and Harriet Shawcross
Published: 15 April 2007
It seems like the plot of a particularly far-fetched horror film. But some scientists suggest that our love of the mobile phone could cause massive food shortages, as the world's harvests fail.

They are putting forward the theory that radiation given off by mobile phones and other hi-tech gadgets is a possible answer to one of the more bizarre mysteries ever to happen in the natural world - the abrupt disappearance of the bees that pollinate crops. Late last week, some bee-keepers claimed that the phenomenon - which started in the US, then spread to continental Europe - was beginning to hit Britain as well.

The theory is that radiation from mobile phones interferes with bees' navigation systems, preventing the famously homeloving species from finding their way back to their hives. Improbable as it may seem, there is now evidence to back this up.

Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD) occurs when a hive's inhabitants suddenly disappear, leaving only queens, eggs and a few immature workers, like so many apian Mary Celestes. The vanished bees are never found, but thought to die singly far from home. The parasites, wildlife and other bees that normally raid the honey and pollen left behind when a colony dies, refuse to go anywhere near the abandoned hives.

The alarm was first sounded last autumn, but has now hit half of all American states. The West Coast is thought to have lost 60 per cent of its commercial bee population, with 70 per cent missing on the East Coast.

CCD has since spread to Germany, Switzerland, Spain, Portugal, Italy and Greece. And last week John Chapple, one of London's biggest bee-keepers, announced that 23 of his 40 hives have been abruptly abandoned.

Other apiarists have recorded losses in Scotland, Wales and north-west England, but the Department of the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs insisted: "There is absolutely no evidence of CCD in the UK."

The implications of the spread are alarming. Most of the world's crops depend on pollination by bees. Albert Einstein once said that if the bees disappeared, "man would have only four years of life left".

No one knows why it is happening. Theories involving mites, pesticides, global warming and GM crops have been proposed, but all have drawbacks.

German research has long shown that bees' behaviour changes near power lines.

Now a limited study at Landau University has found that bees refuse to return to their hives when mobile phones are placed nearby. Dr Jochen Kuhn, who carried it out, said this could provide a "hint" to a possible cause.

Dr George Carlo, who headed a massive study by the US government and mobile phone industry of hazards from mobiles in the Nineties, said: "I am convinced the possibility is real."

The case against handsets

Evidence of dangers to people from mobile phones is increasing. But proof is still lacking, largely because many of the biggest perils, such as cancer, take decades to show up.

Most research on cancer has so far proved inconclusive. But an official Finnish study found that people who used the phones for more than 10 years were 40 per cent more likely to get a brain tumour on the same side as they held the handset.

Equally alarming, blue-chip Swedish research revealed that radiation from mobile phones killed off brain cells, suggesting that today's teenagers could go senile in the prime of their lives.

Studies in India and the US have raised the possibility that men who use mobile phones heavily have reduced sperm counts. And, more prosaically, doctors have identified the condition of "text thumb", a form of RSI from constant texting.

Professor Sir William Stewart, who has headed two official inquiries, warned that children under eight should not use mobiles and made a series of safety recommendations, largely ignored by ministers.